Im not too sure if getting the Wii was a good thing or a bad thing. Since it’s the “new” toy in the house, we have been fairly relaxed with rules for the Wii. As a matter of fact, currently we only have two: No Wii in the morning before school and no Wii before bed. Sounds do-able right? Even with the consistent enforcement of these rules, every morning the kids wake up and the first thing that comes flying out of their little puckered mouths is, “Can we play the Wii?” And I then have to be the evil mom and tell them “no” and remind them of the rules we set. Then a huge fight ensues and everyone falls into the poopy mood pit. You wouldn’t believe the fit these sweet little boys can throw when told they can’t play the Wii: their faces turn green, their eyes roll back in their heads, they begin to convulse and unidentifiable words come out of their mouths. It’s like watching an exorcism.

To say there aren’t any positives about the Wii isn’t really fair. The number one positive is its ability to babysit my kids. If I’m trying to be productive and I need the kids out of my hair, I turn to the Wii for assistance. I know that when I push that “on” button, the kids will be occupied for however long I need. As a matter of fact, I’m convinced that if I were to walk out the door, go to the grocery store and shop for an hour or so, I’d walk back into my house and my kids would have never noticed I was gone. Nope, they’d still be sitting on the couch in front of the TV playing MarioKart, faces glazed over, drool oozing out of the side of their mouths, Wii remotes glued to their palms. They also say that video games help to sharpen kids’ hand-eye coordination, yada, yada, but I think that is a claim made by the game system companies so parents will believe they are doing a good thing when purchasing their product.

I still haven’t made a clear, impartial assessment of the Wii. Even after two months, the “newness” hasn’t worn off and the desire to be surgically attached to MarioKart still strongly exists. Currently I wish I could just throw the darn thing out of the window most of the time. But I’m told that after a while, the Wii gets “old” and the kids won’t play it as much. So, I’m just holding my breath, waiting for the day when I am no longer dreaming of Yoshi and Bowser or unconsciously humming the tune that plays when creating your “Mii” character. I am anxiously waiting for the day when I can once again lure my kids out of the house without a fight, or have a conversation with them about something other than Rainbow Road.

If you have kids, don’t you sometimes just look at them and ask yourself, “Hmmmm, I wonder how I am going to screw them up?” For all of you perfect parents out there, this may be completely irrelevant, but honestly, I’m just weird enough to wonder that. Here is an example of some of the things that lead me to ask this question:

1. My 4 year-old picks up knives and strikes a Michael Myers pose…frequently.
2. My 7 year-old wants to dress up as the Grimm Reaper…every Halloween.
3. My 4 year-old thinks jumping from the couch to a rolling desk chair 5 feet away is fun.
4. I fall victim to using the TV as a babysitter.
5. My 4 year-old has already taught himself to burp on command.
6. It takes me at least 12 times to say his name before my 7 year-old acknowledges that I am speaking to him.
7. I frequently complain about the fact that I can’t find my corkscrew in front of them.
8. When given the opportunity to “free draw” in class at school my 7 year-old almost always brings home pictures of some kind of monster, alien or a person missing a body part.
9. I don’t always make them brush their teeth or take them to the dentist on a regular basis.
10. My 4 year-old knows most of the words to Baby Got Back, and sings it often…and I laugh.
11. My 7 year-old thinks the funniest thing is jumping out of a dark corner and scaring the crap out of his little brother and his mommy. Mommy does not think its funny.
12. I almost always forget to look in their backpacks until right before they leave for school.
13. My 4 year-old mentally keeps track of the size of his poopies and compares one to the next.

So, you get the picture. One of the reasons I believe that parenting is so difficult is that we have no way to really track our children’s progress when it comes to mental stability or character. Most of the time we have no idea how we faired as parents until our children grow to adults. We all make mistakes, we all struggle to find the perfect balance of discipline, fun, and teaching moments. Let’s just keep our fingers crossed that our kids will learn from our mistakes and that Griffin won’t end up wearing a white mask and carrying around a machete when he is a grown man.

Here’s a little sample of what I came up with for my Grown Up Christmas List:

* Peace (and quiet) – Just 45 minutes a night in the bathtub is all I ask for a total body and mind renewal – without being interrupted by “Jake hit me!” “Well, Griffin took Humongosaur away from me!” Calgon, take me away….far away!

* Experiences – My house is full of “stuff” that I continually have to pack up and ship off to Goodwill. I don’t need more “stuff.” I want more experiences. Not getting any younger over here, so I am determined to mark some things off my “bucket” list. I want to learn more too. I’d rather fill my mind with stuff than my house.

* Confidence – I want the confidence and the courage to do some of those things in the aforementioned bullet point.

* Relationships –I want to spend more time this year investing in some important relationships in my life. I am very fortunate to have an awesome group of friends and too many times I find that I let those relationships go without the maintenance they deserve.

* Mind-altering or body-numbing drugs

* For the practical girl in me – a maid and a chef. Oh, and a nanny.

That’s just the top few things that popped into my head when creating my hypothetical list to Santa. I realize my list does not consist of things that are easily stowed away in a big red bag in the back of a sleigh, but Santa, I have the utmost confidence that you can come through for me.

Here’s what I propose to other socially conscious moms like me who realize the importance of having your voice heard, but have the arduous task of dragging the kids along with you to the polls:
* No matter what, get out and vote.
* Pick a time that best suits you and your kids…whether its early in the morning, or late in the afternoon, you know when you can best manage your children’s tantrums or spastic bursts of energy.
* Pack a bagful of toys/games that they love and that you know will occupy their little minds for a few minutes at a time. If you have an iPhone, download some new, fun games and be prepared to relinquish your phone power for however long it takes. This means, of course, you will have to resist your desire to send a text to your friend about what the woman next to you is wearing or peruse your mobile Facebook, but remember, this is all a sacrifice for the greater good.
* SNACKS! You know what I’m saying with this one. On Election Day Eve, head to the store and fill a re-usable grocery bag full of yucky, delightfully disgusting, only-for-special-occasions snacks that you would normally NEVER have in your house, and pull them out when all Hell is about to break loose. Nothing can sooth a whiney kid better than a Double Stuffed Oreo.
* Bribery. Yes, I do stoop this low. “If you stand here nice and quietly for mommy so she can vote, we will go to (insert super-duper treat location here, like ice cream, Toys-R-Us, etc., depending on your budget.).” Enough said.
* Threats. Yes, I do stoop this low too. Sure, threaten to spank them, take away a favorite toy or put them in time out, but if you really want to see them squirm, threaten to ruin their future if you aren’t able to put your vote in. Explain to them that the reason you are doing this is for their own good, that if the “right” person doesn’t get voted into office their taxes could go up, their education could suffer, their healtcare could diminish, their freedoms could be compromised! It may be a little over their tiny heads, but if you say it with enough passion and conviction, it could scare the poop out of them.

So, I hope these little suggestions will help you in your plight to be a responsible American citizen. It doesn’t matter which way you lean; to the right, to the left or in your own direction, the important thing is that you don’t make excuses. Read the paper, watch a reputable media outlet, research online, but make an informed decision, then get out and vote. It’s not a privilege that should be taken lightly or ignored. Heck, if you are in a bind, bring your kids over to my house and I will watch them while you vote! Happy Election Day!

I try to teach my children good eating habits, but so many times I’ve caved in to the “give them what you know they will eat” pit that leaves so many parents dumbfounded. When it comes to food, kids are sneaky and manipulative. They know that there is not a whole lot they can control in their lives, but they can control what goes into their mouths and they use that power against us. (The other power they posses is the ability to use the potty, but that’s another blog altogether.) I’ve always thought that if I just put it on their plates and offer them nothing else, they will eat it. WRONG. Even if they know they will go to bed hungry, they can and will still say “no” to an unappetizing dinner option. I don’t want my kids to starve so I have taken on the “give them a little of what they want, and a lot of what they should want” method of adolescent feeding.

I try to explain to my kids why we make the food choices we make. For example, “what is the benefit in eating meat? Its full of protein which will make you grow up and be big and strong.” For two boys, this is always a winner. I also talk to them about why we DON’T eat some things. My kids are easily tempted by the crazy, sweet, full of junk cereals that crowd the shelves. I just simply tell them that they are too full of sugar to eat all the time.

I’ve always thought this hasn’t been sinking into their little sugar-filled minds, but then, the other day I had an epiphany amongst the aisles at Wal-Mart. In a hurry to get out of there, I told my oldest son to head down the juice aisle and pick out a bottle of juice. I had no idea what he would come back with, but that’s the chance I take when I give up my grocery authority. I was halfway down the next aisle when Jake comes hobbling after me with a gigantic plastic bottle in his two hands. All I could see was a big picture of an apple on the label. “Well, good, at least he got apple juice,” I thought to myself. As he got closer, I noticed a huge grin on his face behind that huge bottle of juice. He proudly handed me the bottle and said, “Mom, does that say ‘no sugar added’?” I said, “Sure does.” He smiled and said, “that’s why I picked this bottle, Mom. I knew you would like it because it doesn’t have sugar.” As I wiped a tear from my eye, and the triumphant music quit playing in my head, I took the bottle out of his little hands, and said, “Yes, you are right. That is exactly what I would have picked.”

I guess sometimes all of this nagging about eating right does wear off on their little minds. Everyone wants something really bad and sweet or greasy every once in a while and that’s ok. But teaching your kids the basic foundations for living a healthy life is so important to do while they are young. Their little picky palates will change as they get older and hopefully some of that jibberish about vitamins, protein, and chemical additives will start to make sense when they are old enough to make their own food choices. So, go on parents, rock that broccoli! Praise those peanuts! Don’t make healthy choices the odd choice, make them the norm.

I turned and probably said the same thing every parent says when they hear such an “adult” word come out of their naive, perfect, innocent young child’s mouth, “What did you just say?” We always ask that, but we know what they said, so why do we give them the opportunity to say it again? We ask as if we didn’t really hear what we know we heard. But like it or not, it happened. Your child just said their first cuss word.

Hey, I thought I was doing pretty good. Griffin made it four curse-word-free years. I think Jake made it to two. And as any other parent, I wasn’t as concerned with the fact that he said such a “dirty” word, I was more concerned with where he heard that word. Its not uncommon that in our house, every once in a while, even under the utmost restraint, that a “lite” cuss word might fly out of my mouth. Of course, my first thought was “Oh gosh, please tell me you didn’t get that from mommy.” So, with baited breath, I asked the next logical question, “where did you hear that?” In the split second I waited to hear his answer, I became anxious, I swore off saying any bad word ever for the rest of my life, and I began to question my ability to raise my children. Oh, the pressure! Then, as quickly as the anxiety came, it was lessened a bit when I heard his answer. “Ghostbusters. They said it on Ghostbusters.” I let out a sigh of relief, but then was burdened with a whole new set of questions. “Why do I let my kids watch such crap? Why didn’t I know they said dirty words in that movie? What am I exposing my kids to?” Again, the pressure!

Truth is, kids, like adults get frustrated. And unlike adults, they don’t really know what to do with that frustration quite yet. Some kids totally freak out, some kids give up, some kids cuss, that’s just the way it is. Until they learn how to control their emotions a little more, they are looking for outlets and a lot of times they mimic how mom and dad or other adults handle their frustrations or they mimic what they hear on their favorite shows. Unfortunately, we can’t control what gets stuck in their heads, but we can try to offer alternatives. Thanks to my new favorite movie, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, I realized there are other ways to harness that uncontrollable desire to say a bad word in a time of frustrating desperation. If you’ve seen the movie, you probably picked up on the fact that instead of actually saying a “cuss” word, they actually say the word “cuss” in its place. What a genius idea! The kids think its funny, and it satisfies their need to make their frustration known to everyone around them. Maybe its worth a shot before my four-year-old rolls up into his preschool class and busts out a big fat “What the Hell?” when his teacher asks him a question.

Adults seem to have a deep-seeded fear that goes way beyond Ronald McDonald and Bozo. I remember a grown man I used to work with was so horrified by the thought of clowns that you couldn’t even mention the word around him without his skin crawling. When I first started working with him, I thought it was humorous, but I quickly found out this was no funny circumstance. He couldn’t really put his finger on what made him “weird out” so much when it came to clowns, he just knew he had an intense dislike for their white-painted faces and big red noses.

I’m the kind of person who can do with or without clowns. I see their potential for child entertainment, on the other end of the spectrum, I also see their potential for total revulsion. However, I have never completely “got” the adult fear of clowns until this Labor Day Weekend. I met Frisbee….

After being introduced to the clown who was displaying his “clown-talents” in front of a bar on a crowded street in an anonymous popular tourist destination, I realized now why the adult fear of clowns exist. When asked why he chose to be a clown, as he twisted a long, skinny purple balloon into a hat, he answered “for the free beer and hot chics.” “Ha, ha ha…that’s funny. Wait, no its not.” I thought to myself. “That’s kinda creepy.”

As the day wore on, we watched as he made his way through the bar, back out onto the street, entertain some unsuspecting kids, flaunt his big clown feet in front of passing ladies and then head back into the bar for a game of pool with some of the locals. This was a somewhat humorous, surreal, and scary train wreck to watch. The overwhelming sentiment regarding Frisbee’s “antics” between the girls I was sitting with was that of fear for our children. I think by the end of the afternoon we had all committed to keep our children far away from clowns.

After watching as “Scary” the clown entertained dozens of kids, with not one negative reaction from his captive audience, it hit me. So, here is my determination on why adults harbor a fear of clowns that children do not. Just like in any case, adults look beyond the paint and the costume to what is really hiding underneath. Kids take clowns at face value. “If you make me laugh, I will like you.” Simple. I don’t know the man who Frisbee was masking, but I do know that I tried hard to figure it out and of course my assumptions went to the worst-case scenario. It might have been justified, but maybe Frisbee was really just a lonely guy looking for some attention and being Frisbee gave him the opportunity to be someone else for a little while, someone who, whether you liked him or not, demanded your attention. As I struggled with the fact that Frisbee was strange, kids loved the fact that he was weird and different. Maybe Frisbee is onto something. Let’s all try to get in touch with our “inner (no so creepy) clown.” To do so, one must have the perfect clown name http://cancantheclown.com/clownnames.html. Well, that’s all from the DollyMama AKA Dollyarooni Sunny the clown.

In this situation, I love the fact that I could have walked around that building all day with no shoes on and not one kid would have thought it unusual. You know why? Because kids are not yet tainted with the sad propensity to judge. They don’t realize its weird to not wear shoes, nor do they care. Its not until they are taught what is “acceptable vs. weird” that they develop a sense of superiority vs. inferiority, which in turn, leads to intolerance. Kids are not naturally born with that trait. I love the fact that my kids call people of color “chocolate” and not think its un-PC. To them, everyone is categorized by the type of candy they resemble; not their nationality, their religion or their political or sexual preference. Isn’t that a novel idea?

Here’s another thing I like about kids vs. adults – their lack of filters. Kids are brutally honest and say exactly what they are thinking. Sometimes it can come across a bit crass, like when my then 3-year old called me a “carpet roach” or when my 6 year old is so mad at me for taking away his TV privilege that he calls me the “meanest mommy ever.” It may be hard to swallow when they say things like that, but you have to appreciate the fact that kids don’t sugarcoat things or say what they think you want to hear. They say what is on their minds, or in their hearts. How many times have we thought it would be nice if a co-worker/friend/significant other would be that honest with you? You know, with no uncertainty when kids don’t like something and you know without any doubt when kids love something.

Which brings me to the next thing I love about kids vs. adults – unabridged happiness. We all remember what that used to feel like. Remember how you couldn’t sleep at night knowing you were going to McDonald’s the next day? Now what do we get excited about? Certainly not the everyday stuff. Adults put a measure on happiness – do I make enough money? Is my house big enough? Am I successful in my career, in my marriage, in my family-life? What do other people think of me? And if those measurements fall short in any area, we continue to trudge along feeling our lives are inadequate or boring. Not kids. The only disappointment in their lives is when their favorite ice cream flavor is no longer served at Baskin Robbins.

And I love the fact that their excitement is viral. How can you not be excited when you see a kid jumping up and down and crying with laughter, because they just found out Chuck E. Freaking Cheese will be coming around to shake their hand any minute? When kids are excited, they dance, they scream, they laugh, they make pooting sounds, whatever, the point is, they let you know they are happy. They don’t care about being deemed refined, they let it all hang out. Adults are too worried what everyone around them thinks to really react to a situation the way they want to. For example, when we received our passports just days before we were leaving for the Bahamas, I tackled my Fed-Ex guy, threw my arms around his unsuspecting neck and jumped up and down out of pure exhilaration. Was I embarrassed? Yes, partially because I later realized a new Fed-Ex guy had taken over our route, but also because society has taught us that anyone with any decency would have just taken the package and said “thank you so much.” But, man, did it feel good. And you better believe I will maul our new Fed-Ex guy at some point in his career.

As adults, we’ve turned into responsible, politically correct, serious, hard-working, surreptitious, individuals who seemed to have lost the wonderful, impulsive innocence of a child.
-So what if that person standing next to you has a “weird” haircut? Just ask yourself, if they were a piece of candy, what kind of candy would they be?
-So what is someone laughs at you because you are excited that you won a free milkshake from Chic-Fil-A with your scratch off card? Just know inside that the people around you wish they were jumping too.
-Say you don’t like something when you don’t like it, instead of “Bless your heart.” You just might change a person’s life.
I think kids are onto something…if we all had the mindset of a child, we would be more tolerant, more accepting, more honest, more happy-go-lucky people that actually enjoy their lives, no matter how simple or how “weird” it may be.

It didn’t take me long to land on my dream job. I would be a stand-up comedienne. I know I’m not the funniest person in the world, but I love to laugh. I love to laugh so hard that I cry. I love to laugh until my sides hurt. I also love to make people laugh (it’s usually at the expense of my ego, but nonetheless). If I had the nerve to stand in front of a roomful of people and just spit out silly, witty things for an hour or so and hear people laugh, that would be the ultimate experience.

I don’t know exactly why that would be my “dream job” of choice. Maybe its because I don’t choose to take things too seriously. Maybe its because I want other people to experience the ecstasy of a good laugh. Maybe its because I want people to learn to laugh at themselves a little more. Life is serious and honestly, without a little humor, pretty boring. Nothing changes a mood like a good laugh. Try to be mad at your kids when they start to smile in your face while being scolded. You can’t do it. As a matter of fact, that scold will almost always turn into a full-on laugh fest usually wrapped up in a big hug.

As one of my favorite funny men of all-time, the wild and crazy Steve Martin once said, “Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” There is nothing more true. And sometimes, a little chaos thrown into the mix is just what you need to make it through your normally routine, mundane, average, old day. So I say, let them laugh! Don’t get upset with the chaos or the intimidations in life; laugh at them. Honestly, life is too short to spend it sulking (and believe me, I do my share too), so try to spend a few minutes every day just laughing at something…whatever it is that makes you laugh . I promise, your whole perspective will change and it will also change the perspective of the people around you. Laughter is a powerful thing, use it frequently.

So, what about you? If you could do anything, no barriers, what would you do?

When my sweet little angels were tiny, innocent, ignorant babies, I had infinite patience and adoration for them. It was so cute when they sat in their highchairs and refused to eat their peas after minutes of begging and pleading with them. It was so funny when you would put your face in their tiny faces and they spat at you, and although you said “no, no sweetie, don’t spit in mommy’s face” over and over they continued to spit. Weren’t they cute? That cuteness wore off once they grew older and grew horns out of the top of their sweet little heads.

Now that they are older, I expect, no, I DEMAND that they do what I ask them, if for no other reason, because I am MOMMY and I will not be denied. Nothing drives me crazier than when I ask my boys to do something, and I get the “are you serious” look thrown back at me, that is if I get any response at all. When I get this reaction from my boys, I feel like Chris Tucker trying to speak to a very-little-English-speaking Jackie Chan in Rush Hour. “Do you speaka any English? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?”

Another thing that tries my patience as a mom is the constant use of that name. “Mom, look at me. Mommy, can I have some juice? Mom, will you put together my Transformer? Mom, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy….” “WHAT, WHAT, WHAT??” Thank goodness for iPods and earphones.

The lack of immediate attention to my orders, the overuse of my name and the constant demands make me exemplify the reasons, according to the dictionary definition, I am not patient – I complain, I loose my temper, and I get irritated. As I have gotten older and my kids have gotten bossier, my “patience” seems to have flown out the window. Unfortunately, I think my patience flew right out the window and over the heads of my kids because their lack of patience even astounds me, especially my little guy.

If patience is a virtue, then he is the least virtuous person alive. When he gets his mind set on something, his persistence is the thing of legend. If he wants you to watch him karate chop his Red Power Ranger, he will ask you over and over until you have no other choice but to pay attention to nothing else but him and that darn Red Ranger. When he wants oatmeal for breakfast, he doesn’t mean in a few minutes, he means now. “Mommy, can I have oatmeal for breakfast?” asks Griffin. “Sure,” Mommy says as she opens up the cabinet to get a pack of oatmeal out. Before she even turns around, Mommy hears, coming from the living room, a larger, more brooding voice yelling, “MOMMY! I SAID I WANTED OATMEAL!” Mommy looks around to see if anyone is watching and sticks her tongue out at her son.