When I Grow Up, I Want To Be…Steve Martin August 3, 2010

I woke up this morning feeling a little stressed…and tired. After a horrible night’s sleep, I woke up with a feeling of anxiousness and nervousness in the pit of my stomach. While my husband is hustling to get his business off the ground, I’m still trudging around looking for a job, without much luck. So, just for fun, I decided it was time to get my mind off all this yuk and my stomach out of knots and just think, for a minute, if I could do anything, have any kind of job in the whole world – talent, money, experience not an issue – what would it be?

It didn’t take me long to land on my dream job. I would be a stand-up comedienne. I know I’m not the funniest person in the world, but I love to laugh. I love to laugh so hard that I cry. I love to laugh until my sides hurt. I also love to make people laugh (it’s usually at the expense of my ego, but nonetheless). If I had the nerve to stand in front of a roomful of people and just spit out silly, witty things for an hour or so and hear people laugh, that would be the ultimate experience.

I don’t know exactly why that would be my “dream job” of choice. Maybe its because I don’t choose to take things too seriously. Maybe its because I want other people to experience the ecstasy of a good laugh. Maybe its because I want people to learn to laugh at themselves a little more. Life is serious and honestly, without a little humor, pretty boring. Nothing changes a mood like a good laugh. Try to be mad at your kids when they start to smile in your face while being scolded. You can’t do it. As a matter of fact, that scold will almost always turn into a full-on laugh fest usually wrapped up in a big hug.

As one of my favorite funny men of all-time, the wild and crazy Steve Martin once said, “Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” There is nothing more true. And sometimes, a little chaos thrown into the mix is just what you need to make it through your normally routine, mundane, average, old day. So I say, let them laugh! Don’t get upset with the chaos or the intimidations in life; laugh at them. Honestly, life is too short to spend it sulking (and believe me, I do my share too), so try to spend a few minutes every day just laughing at something…whatever it is that makes you laugh . I promise, your whole perspective will change and it will also change the perspective of the people around you. Laughter is a powerful thing, use it frequently.

So, what about you? If you could do anything, no barriers, what would you do?

Patience is a Virtue…Irritation, a Way Of Life July 21, 2010

According to Dictionary.com, the word patience means “the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.” Well, that explains a lot. After reviewing this particular definition, I better understand why I’m not naturally “patient.” I don’t particularly care for provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain. Although I accept these instances as definite, yet not welcomed occurrences in my life, I still don’t like them. I am going to put aside the “pain” portion of that definition and focus on the areas where I find it most difficult to exercise my patience: provocation and annoyance. These areas in particular are where being a mom has absolutely tried my “patience.”

When my sweet little angels were tiny, innocent, ignorant babies, I had infinite patience and adoration for them. It was so cute when they sat in their highchairs and refused to eat their peas after minutes of begging and pleading with them. It was so funny when you would put your face in their tiny faces and they spat at you, and although you said “no, no sweetie, don’t spit in mommy’s face” over and over they continued to spit. Weren’t they cute? That cuteness wore off once they grew older and grew horns out of the top of their sweet little heads.

Now that they are older, I expect, no, I DEMAND that they do what I ask them, if for no other reason, because I am MOMMY and I will not be denied. Nothing drives me crazier than when I ask my boys to do something, and I get the “are you serious” look thrown back at me, that is if I get any response at all. When I get this reaction from my boys, I feel like Chris Tucker trying to speak to a very-little-English-speaking Jackie Chan in Rush Hour. “Do you speaka any English? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?”

Another thing that tries my patience as a mom is the constant use of that name. “Mom, look at me. Mommy, can I have some juice? Mom, will you put together my Transformer? Mom, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy….” “WHAT, WHAT, WHAT??” Thank goodness for iPods and earphones.

The lack of immediate attention to my orders, the overuse of my name and the constant demands make me exemplify the reasons, according to the dictionary definition, I am not patient – I complain, I loose my temper, and I get irritated. As I have gotten older and my kids have gotten bossier, my “patience” seems to have flown out the window. Unfortunately, I think my patience flew right out the window and over the heads of my kids because their lack of patience even astounds me, especially my little guy.

If patience is a virtue, then he is the least virtuous person alive. When he gets his mind set on something, his persistence is the thing of legend. If he wants you to watch him karate chop his Red Power Ranger, he will ask you over and over until you have no other choice but to pay attention to nothing else but him and that darn Red Ranger. When he wants oatmeal for breakfast, he doesn’t mean in a few minutes, he means now. “Mommy, can I have oatmeal for breakfast?” asks Griffin. “Sure,” Mommy says as she opens up the cabinet to get a pack of oatmeal out. Before she even turns around, Mommy hears, coming from the living room, a larger, more brooding voice yelling, “MOMMY! I SAID I WANTED OATMEAL!” Mommy looks around to see if anyone is watching and sticks her tongue out at her son.

June Cleaver Is Dead…Let Me Introduce You To The New “Social Media Mom” July 16, 2010

I didn’t realize it at the time, but once I decided to enter the world of bloggers, I became yet another statistic. I am now considered, by marketers everywhere, a highly targeted, invaluable and influential segment of the population. That’s right, I am now a “social media mom.” Overnight, I went from being boring, old stay-at-home mommy to one of the most sought after new groups of consumers on the planet.

According to the 2010 Mom Social Influencer segmentation study by BabyCenter, what this basically means is that I use the computer to communicate and to gain and share information. I’m on Facebook, I use Twitter, I blog regularly and I use sites such as Youtube or Hulu for entertainment purposes. All this time I’ve been doing this, I had no idea that I, or women like me, have created a whole new “subset” of women. As a matter of fact, as I write this blog entry I am updating my status and chatting with a friend on Facebook, reviewing my Twitter feeds and watching the new Maroon 5 video on Youtube.

Marketers have narrowed us down into two broad categories: the Influencers and the Influenced. Within those categories we have been subcategorized as the field expert, the lifecaster and the pro in the Influencer category and the butterflies and the audience in the Influenced segment. After reviewing the description of each of these “mom influencers” and the percentage of “overall influence” we carry in social media, it strikes me funny that there has been so much time and effort put into studying and categorizing moms who use the internet. In my view, its not nearly as involved or in-depth as these studies fluffed with all the marketing speak imply. As a matter of fact, I think I can break it down into simpler, more real-to-life tags.

In my study, there are two categories of “social media moms”:
· The Bored
· The Bored who also want to make a little money

Let me expand on these categories. First, The Bored. These moms are online nearly every waking minute of the day because they have no other form of socialization. They usually have multiple children, typically not-yet-school age and are slowly being driven in sane by the constant demand on their time, the redundancy of Barney or Dora the Explorer, and the regular need to clean bottoms and replace dirty diapers. The Bored use their computers as their window to the real world since they do not get out of the house much anymore. They sneak on the computer to catch up on newsworthy items so they can carry on a somewhat intelligent conversation on those rare occasions they actually get to speak to another adult, they use social websites like Facebook to keep up with their friends so they don’t have to pick up the phone and risk the chance of a meltdown in the background, and they surf the net to find funny things to preoccupy their minds so they will laugh instead of doing what they really feel like doing…cry.

The second category, are The Bored moms who have realized that by doing what they do anyway, they can actually make money at it. There are some “mommy blogs” that are followed by thousands of other moms, single women, and even men. These are gold mines to the marketers’ eyes. These women are the glue that hold the delicate fiber of the cyber world and the consumer product universe together. These lucky moms will have product marketers begging them for product reviews or giveaways on their sites and some even offer some kind of compensation. Moms all around the world are taking advantage of this opportunity to put a few extra dollars in their pocket, and why not? Chances are they didn’t get into this for that reason, they were already out there blogging about things they liked, things they didn’t like, passing on advice, sharing mom horror stories, suggesting products they’ve tried or services they’ve used and swapping coupons or other money-saving ideas with their readers.

So, really, the “social mom” is not a tough nut to crack. We like to laugh like anyone else, we like to be social and make friends even if we can’t get out of the house to do it, and we like to learn and grow and share our newfound knowledge with others. If that makes us “influencers,” then more power to us. Just be warned marketers, we are also quite crafty and could use this information against you!

What category of “social media mom” do you fall into? Check out the whole Babycenter survey here

http://www.babycenter.com/100_-the-babycenter-174-2010-mom-social-influencer-report-reveal_10332899.bc

Sidenote: I come from a marketing/PR background so I am always interested in the new marketer targets. Being a mom on the ‘net, I found this one especially interesting and worth sharing!

I’m Still A Rock Star July 8, 2010

I was listening to my “feel-good, workout” music on my iPod this afternoon and a song came on that, oddly enough, was somewhat encouraging to me as I continue to obsess about finding a job. It was Pink’s song, “So What.” It has one of my favorite lyrics: “So, what? I’m still a rock star. I got my rock moves.” It may seem simple to you, but in fact this seemingly mindless lyric actually put me strangely at ease.

As I sang this lyric way too loud in a crowded Starbucks, I thought to myself, “That’s right. I am still a rock star. What am I afraid of? I wasn’t intimidated when I was looking for a job 10 years ago, and I have much more job and real life experience under my belt now than I did then.” As I listened to this lyric throughout the rest of the song, I began to realize that these past seven years haven’t been a total career waste.

I’ve been very fortunate in my life to have worked with some great people and gained some incredible experience in my chosen career field. Some of my jobs were a little more challenging than others, but nothing I have done to this day has been as challenging as the job of being a mom. Over the past seven years, I have added many job responsibilities to my resume that have only prepared me even more for any professional challenge that may cross my path.

For example, I have managed people before, but trying to manage a six year-old who thinks he knows everything and a three year-old who thinks he is a six year-old who knows everything is nearly impossible and requires stealth-like manipulation, painful consistency and an expert knowledge of the human psyche.

The full-time job of being a parent has also taught me time management and organization. I have never been very strong in these areas, but trying to get myself and two stubborn children out the door for anything has been quite the eye-opening experience. I have learned that no matter how much time you give yourself, it is never enough. Before children I had perfected the art of procrastination, lying to myself that I worked better under pressure, but AC (after children), that art no longer exists in my life. With kids, if I procrastinate, the kids will miss school, I will miss my days to myself, dinner doesn’t get prepared or doctor’s appointments get missed. There is no middle ground. And to keep up with the massive amounts of toys, school papers, art supplies, sippy cups or superhero costumes we have accumulated, I have to have some mad organizational skills or how else would I answer my kids when they ask me a thousand times a day where something is?

When you are preparing for a professional life, you spend many years and lots of money to acquire the proper training and knowledge to be successful in your chosen career field. But to be a parent, you have to learn as you go. There are no specific job titles for all of the positions you hold as a parent. A parent is everything from the janitor, the CPA, the event planner, the chef, the medical expert, the psychologist, the mediator, the human resources manager to the entertainment coordinator. Think about how much time and money you would spend if you were to go to school to prepare for all of those positions?

So, once I thought about it, Pink is right, I am still a rock star and I do still have my rock moves. As a matter of fact, I think now my star is brighter and my moves are better thanks to the two little professors that I have been taking class from over the past six and-a-half-years.

J-O-B July 6, 2010

I was just talking to my husband about how I thought it was time for me to go back to work. I’ve been a stay-at-home chic for a little over six years and I’m ready to get back in the saddle. He was in total agreeance, mainly because I have been a little crazy these days, but also because he has always had a desire to start his own business and has recently been thinking about it very seriously. We agreed that once I hooked myself an awesome, soul-satisfying, great-paying, benefit-amazing, gig that he would quit his job and focus on building his business. Sounds like a decent, well thought out plan, doesn’t it?

Well, as I began to dig in, I realized things were going to be a little harder than I had initially visualized. Here’s the kicker – Mommy hasn’t been in the workforce for nearly seven years, Mommy still doesn’t know what she wants to do when she grows up and Mommy basically feels like her IQ has dropped to a first-grade level. To say I am a little nervous and intimidated to get back out there is an understatement. I haven’t even thought about a resume in ten years.

And then, of course, there is the pride factor. I am going to be applying for positions that fresh out-of college, over-eager, not-yet-jaded, vultures will also be applying for. I realize that being out of work for this amount of time, I probably won’t be able to land a job at the level I obtained in my previous life, and I have to say, that is kinda hard to swallow. Here I am, just short of 40 years old and am probably having to start all over. I’m just hoping that all those years of experience aren’t down the drain because of a seven-year, 503-diaper, six antibiotic-round, eleven homemade-costume, gap.

Just as I am sure many of you have experienced, the decision to stop working and stay home with my kids was not an easy one to make. I had always worked and working was a part of my identity, and I got a real sense of satisfaction from the work I did. I enjoyed it, I was good at it and I made a lot of good friends through the positions I held. I wasn’t so sure I was ready to give all that up. I do not regret at all the time I have been able to spend at home with my kids at this age, but truth is, they are getting older and less dependent on me and I am spending more and more time alone. I always knew one day I would go back to work, so I’m kind of excited (and a little scared) about the situation we have suddenly found ourselves in. I am looking forward to using my brain in some capacity other than measuring out cough medicine or remembering to take library books back. I am also looking forward to contributing financially to our family again. Will it be tough to leave my kids everyday? Of course it will. We’ve gotten quite used to each other. But soon they will be in school everyday and will forget about their poor old Mommy, but that’s ok. They are independent little souls and I know they will be all right. On the other hand, Mommy is also an independent soul and misses that little part of my life that was all my own. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Wax On, Wax Off June 22, 2010

As a woman, there are many steps that we must endure to ensure proper grooming standards. We color, cut and treat our hair; we brush, floss and whiten our teeth; we spend tons of money on lotions, moisturizers and deodorants, and we spend a lot of time shaving, dying or waxing hair that is in places its not supposed to be. All of this is a complete and total pain in our rear end, but we understand these things are necessary in order to keep harmony in our society.

For years, I have avoided succumbing to one of the grooming techniques I mentioned above…waxing. And when I am talking about waxing, I’m not talking about the eyebrows. I’m talking about that ever so sensitive area known as our “bikini zone.” With summer among us, and many hours spent in a bathing suit, I’ve decided that shaving just might not be the best route to take in keeping that area nice and neat. We all know the major advantages of waxing over shaving – you can go weeks in between waxing where you could easily shave just about daily, and it also causes less hair to return when it grows back in. But my question is this…is enduring such pain for a little vanity worth it?

There is no reason for my waxing avoidance other than it scares the living daylights out of me. The thought of someone taking little strips of hot wax, pressing it on one of the most sensitive parts of the female body and then yanking with the force of a rabid ninja just seems inhumane to me. I can’t even imagine the offensive language that would fly from my mouth at the moment of skin-ripping, hair-pulling torture. To get an idea of what I am imagining this process being like, take a look at this scene from The 40 Year Old Virgin. I feel that Steve Carell so eloquently puts my sentiments into words.

I have friends that have tried to calm my fears about it, saying that if I can get a tattoo, I can get a wax. Now, I disagree with this theory. I have a couple of tattoos and the process of getting a tattoo is very different from having your pubic hair yanked out by its roots. Getting a tattoo is a much slower, much more precise, deliberate action. These people are artists and take great pride in what they put on your skin. A cosmetician that waxes your bikini area takes no pride in what they take off your skin. As a matter of fact, women pay premium prices for cosmeticians who spend the least amount of time ripping the wax from your body.

So, since I’ve decided to give it a shot, I’ve been asking my friends what they think is better: doing it yourself or paying someone to do it for you. There seems to be a split. Some people can’t imagine having someone else yank their hair out, others don’t feel they have the courage to do it themselves. I am looking for the least pain inflicting option available; if anyone has any suggestions or opinions, feel free to chime in. Between now and my next blog, I plan on giving it a shot, so any help and encouragement between now and then would be greatly appreciated.

I Am Pissed June 1, 2010

I read something this morning that made me more pissed off at the Gulf Coast oil spill than I was before. It was from the Associated Press and it read like this, “the consensus around the Gulf Coast is turning more apocalyptic. This is, people are starting to say, a generational event – tragic to this generation, potentially crippling to the next.” Which, in layman’s terms means that all the things we grew up enjoying and admiring about our oceans and their shores, our children may never experience.

I am pissed. I am pissed at BP for being so naïve and greedy that they did not take the time up front to have a plan in place should a “worst case” scenario arise. I am pissed at the government for letting oil companies talk them into relaxing restrictions on off-shore drilling, making it easier for accidents like this to happen. And I am more painfully pissed at myself and everyone else like me who are conscious of the effects the things we do have on the environment, but don’t do enough to protect it.

If you think because you don’t live on the coast or aren’t planning a trip to the coast anytime soon that this isn’t your problem, you better think again. Americans are the greatest consumers of oil and petroleum-based products in the world. According to a 2007 survey published on Nationmaster.com the daily U.S. oil consumption is 20,680,000 bbl. The country with the next highest daily consumption is China with only 7,578,000 bbl. There is no comparison. We are a country addicted to oil, and as long as we are, the drilling will continue and more accidents like this could happen.

Although we say, “it sure would be nice to come up with a cleaner energy source,” we haven’t really pushed for a real change. Nearly everything in our lives is made from oil, made by machinery and systems dependent on oil, and transported by oil as either gas or diesel fuel. And we’ve just accepted that. Not only accepted it, we have encouraged it. Our answer to higher gas prices and dependency on foreign oil is to do more drilling in Alaska and off our fragile coasts. Let’s face it, fossil fuels, such as coal, oil and natural gas, are a finite, dirty form of energy and unless we decrease our need for it, efforts to harness cleaner forms of energy are going to continue to go severally under funded and the need to mass produce cleaner products for the American consumer, such as electric cars, is going to remain a nice “thought.”

Although a little on the late side, hopefully this catastrophe will make the government and corporate America take searching for a reliable, efficient and cleaner form of energy more of a top priority and will encourage the American consumer to change their way of thinking about how they use energy. I know I am going to think about that – first on my list, trying to talk my husband into getting rid of our lawn mower for an electric version, and after that, I have visions of a moped with a side care dancing in my head!

Summer Sanity? May 24, 2010

This will be me at the end of the summer

This is the beginning of the end: The first day of the last week of Kindergarten for my oldest. We are so proud of him and very excited to see what first grade has in store. Now, I’m not writing to gush on and on about my son’s Kindergarten accomplishments. I am actually thinking about the fact that summer break is bearing down on us. That means two full months of no school for either one of my boys. So, I’ve decided to make a list of things I will need to successfully make it through this very difficult time, if anyone would like to help out.

1. A pool and/or boat
2. Personal masseuse, chef, maid and trainer
3. Lots of free babysitting
4. A good summer read
5. Wine, lots of wine. I will also accept beer, rum, vodka, and tequila (but only in margarita form.)
6. Valium

OK, I am partially kidding. But it is true that, although I love the summertime (the heat, the sun, the long days), with two small boys it can be a little trying keeping them entertained day in and day out. The good thing is, the summer does offer some unique (and cheap) amusement opportunities. For example, every Wednesday you can find us at Laguardo Beach with some friends, we spend mornings hiking trails in the area looking for bugs and other critters, we take pajama walks around the neighborhood after bath time, we love hitting some of the many summer festivals and fairs going on, as well as the Sounds minor league baseball games, and its amazing how a sprinkler and a hose can change the whole day.

Its great to stay up late and sleep in in the mornings, and I know I should be excited to be able to spend so much time with my kids because “this time flies by so fast,” but I have to admit, the summer scares me a bit. I don’t do well without an ample amount of “me” time during the week. So, just keep me in your thoughts this summer, and if you have any ingenious ideas on entertaining the kiddos, shoot them my way!

Transformers….More Than Meets The Eye April 28, 2010

I have come to the conclusion that there are two things in the world that can make a somewhat intelligent person feel stupid; Transformers and kids. On their own, they are a challenge, but when paired together, they are a disaster to your intellectual ego.

The other morning, I was sitting at my computer being very productive and having a nice conversation with a friend on Facebook, when all of a sudden my three year-old comes walking down the stairs whining and saying. “I can’t do it. I can’t do it!” When I looked up from my computer, I saw it. There, in his hand, was a twisted, mangled mass of yellow and black plastic. It was the devil incarnated; it was Bumblebee.

My first instinct was to grab it from his hand and burn it, but I refrained. I knew, even before I attempted to turn what I think was supposed to be a car into some recognizable form of a robot, that I would be defeated, so I played dumb. “Griffin, Mommy has tried to make Bumblebee into a robot before and I can’t do it.” Oh, the swallowed pride. “But Mommy, I want you to make it Bumblebee!” His voice was beginning to rise, and I knew he wasn’t joking around. I had no choice but to demonstrate my total incompetence in turning a car into a robot.

“I can do this,” I began to pump myself up. “My six year-old can do this, millions of children can do this, and surely a mildly intelligent, worldly, nearly 40 year-old woman can do it. I can put together 1,000 piece puzzles in record time, I’ve fixed more electric trains than I care to admit, and I can create anything with a couple of pipe cleaners and a hot glue gun. This shouldn’t be a problem.”

With a newfound confidence, I took the Transformer from his hand and began to twist and turn. The more I twisted it, the further from a robot it became. The more I turned it, the more pieces fell from my hand. I was getting nowhere fast and Griffin knew it. “Mommy, you are breaking Bumblebee!” he cried. I began to panic. My hands were clammy and sweat was beading up on my brow. I had no choice but to cave in. I said the five words I hate to use most with my kids; “Wait until Daddy gets home.” Once again, I had lost the battle with the Autobots. Griffin began to cry, I began to cry. I realized I could no longer carry on the façade that there is nothing Mommy can’t do.

So, that night while the kids were asleep, I went through their toy boxes and picked out every Transformer I could find. I then placed them in a box and set them on fire in our backyard. I fueled the fire with every Transformer book, sticker page or coloring book I could drag out of the house. Looks like Mommy might have won the battle of the Bots after all.

Road Trips, Jack Johnson and Bucket Lists April 23, 2010

Its almost summertime, and you know what that means….ROAD TRIP! When I was younger, it was nothing for me to jump in a car with my friends and take a road trip, to where ever, for whatever reason. I’ve been on road trips to spend the weekend in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, to follow Widespread Panic or Big Head Todd, to visit friends at other colleges, to go to the beach, or go skiing in West Virginia. Most of these trips were spontaneous, but they were all some of the most fun I had during my college years.

I was talking to a friend not too long ago about my new focus on things – its not about stuff, its about experiences. The last thing I want is more stuff to weigh me down. I want to live life, I want to have experiences that I share with my family and my friends, and I am scared to death I am going to wake up one morning and all those opportunities have drifted past me while I watched them from my safe, average bubble. I’ve decided its time to bust my own bubble.

I’m on the path to do things I’ve never done, or used to, but don’t do much of any more, like road trips for example. This summer, I’m packing up the car and heading to Atlanta with a friend for a girl’s weekend that revolves around the super-talented cutie-pie, Jack Johnson. Since I have become notorious for talking about things but not doing them, the tickets have already been purchased. So, we’ll see you in Atlanta in August, Jack.

My list of things “I’m going to quit making excuses not to do” is very long. One thing on the top of that list is music. I am a very, very, amateur musician, who wants to be a rock star. So to satisfy that itch, my husband and I and a small group of friends have gotten together to form the Mediocre Music Club. Its just a chance for us to get together and play around without offending anyone’s ears. Also, I love being on the water, but haven’t really taken advantage of the fact we live on a lake. We don’t have a boat, but my dad is teaching me to drive his boat so when we do get one (soon, I’d like to hope), I’ll be ready to go. I love to ski, but I’ve gotten real good at the excuse, “I’m too old for that.” Well, I’m not getting any younger. We only got out a couple of times last year to ski, and my dad’s so excited to have someone ski on his boat, he’s going to hold me to getting out more this year.

There’s also a whole list of things I want to try that I have never done before. I’d like to surf, I’d like to learn to play the piano, I’d like to kayak around our lake, I’d like to take a trip by myself, I’d like to do some serious hiking, I’d like to learn to speak a different language, I’d like to do a triathlon, I’d like to write a book. I haven’t yet sat down and written all the things I’d like to do, but I will, and I will slowly but surely mark them off.

What about you? Do you have a list?